10 years ago I had Christian sex for the first time. On my wedding night. With my brand new wife.
We made it! (Barely)
The church gave us so many reasons why we should have waited. We’re glad we did. The problem was that it told us nothing about what to do when we got there.
So 5 hours before the wedding ceremony 2 friends took me out for a drink. They could not believe that at 23 I was still a virgin. I said to them, “Yes I am… barely.”
They pushed hard because they thought I was trying to impress them. These guys were not born-again-Spirit-filled-never-sin-Christians like myself, so they thought I was putting up a holy act so I wouldn’t ruin my testimony.
Kind of true. I was putting up an act most of the time. But at that moment I was more concerned with the fact that my genitals were about to enter unknown territory and I had no clue what to do or what to expect.
After noticing the fear on my face, they gave me the best advice out there, “Be gentle!” They said in unison as if they had rehearsed it. And after 2 margaritas, and a couple of horror stories, we drove back with just enough time to get dressed for my epic and awesome wedding day (and wedding night).
Thankfully, the first time went smoothly. Mostly quick, but also smooth. Without getting into raunchy details let me say, we are all alive because someone had sex (except Jesus Christ himself).
So why are we so against talking about it, when we are so vocal about talking against it?
I want to make an invitation to us, the church, to join the conversation (as oppose to shy away from it again). The truth is that sex is found everywhere in Scripture. It was designed by God. Perfected by Puerto Ricans. And we Christians need to speak up about it, in a non-judgemental, non-religious, relevant way.
We could do a better job and have a sex-talk that is more than the usual “have-no-sex” talk. We are sending our young people into the marriage bed as virgins (good) but also as morons (bad). And the amount of conversations I have had with young couples who have properly struggled with their sex life is staggering.
If we preach all the verses against lust and seduction and sexual sin (which is the right thing to do) then we also need to teach all the verse on beauty and creativity and romance and awesome sex (which is the best thing to do).
So for all those who are waiting, here’s The Ultimate Guide For First Time Christian Sex:
1. Set Realistic Expectations:
On day 5 of our 3-month-honeymoon, Catherine and I had an honest conversation. We were enjoying each other. Stumbling through our first few times, but with more good than bad. The problem was that there was an expectation created by our other virgin (barely) friends. It sounded something like this, “Oh you guys won’t see the light of day!” and “You will be in the hotel room all day long.”
So we tried.
But we failed.
After the most glorious 13 minutes of the morning (the national average) we were ready to go out, explore the land and just walk around holding hands and chatting about what to do in life.
But we felt stuck to the room. Like somehow we had to do it again. For all our waiting brothers and sisters who were back home desperate to have sex but stuck in their small groups talking about not having sex, for them, we should do it again.
Yet, after that one time, once a day, we were done. It was good, it was awesome, we felt connected, but we were done. And it was then when we discovered that sex is absolutely amazing… but it is also gloriously overrated.
And that truth, set us free to have a phenomenal sex life for the next 10 years.
We stripped the act away from every other expectation that was not, “Fun. Us. Together. Now.” And in that context, we serve each other and love each other and have made 2 glorious boys who are the ultimate fruit of our labor.
2. Forget Hollywood:
Some people believe that sex in real life is like sex in the movies. Everyone always gets an orgasm (at the same time) and there is no need to run to the bathroom to wash yourself.
Our world system has created such an idea of what sex is that it has corrupted the truth. And so people get lost in pornography because they are trying to recreate this fantasy that was created by another fantasy and only in a fantasy can it become “real.”
3. Have Fun:
Truth is, sex is work. A labor of love and joy, yes, but still a labor.
Sometimes it takes time for both parties to really get into it. Play and patience are required for optimum performance. But remember this, the whole point is to enjoy each other. Actually, the best sex for me happens when I focus on making it the best sex for her.
Works (almost) every time. So work hard at having fun. Don’t take yourselves too seriously. Be creative, figure out what is best for you both and go to town.
4. Keep Learning:
About each other. And decide what works for you two. Everyone has their own rules and boundaries and everyone has a Bible verse to justify this, that or the other. But whatever works for you two, in a place of honor to God and each others, works to honor God and each other.
If you get stuck along the way, then ask questions. Don’t keep your issues behind closed doors. Yes, it’s your sex life, your privacy, your intimate space, but there are others out there who have been together for a long time and have a learned a few things along the way.
“The peril is that in reaction to abuses and distortions of an idea, we’ll reject it entirely. And in the journey miss out on the greatness of it, the worth of it, the truth of it.”
Sex gets better. Especially if you have been doing it with the same person for 10 years. That’s why I am all about waiting till the wedding day. I agree with God fully.
But God also gave us the Songs of Solomon. A kind of ancient Jewish Kama Sutra that would allow poetry and open conversation when it came to intercourse and romance (and apparently small breasts).
My encouragement is simple. Have an actual sex-talk. Not one about what’s bad about it, but one about what is good and holy and fun about it. Have an “update” talk with your spouse about where your expectations are. Have the uncomfortable conversation with your pastor, leader or mentor about your upcoming wedding night.
You are obviously not an expert.
Neither am I.
So let’s talk.