The Ultimate Guide For First Time Christian Sex

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10 years ago I had Christian sex for the first time. On my wedding night. With my brand new wife.

We made it! (Barely)

The church gave us so many reasons why we should have waited. We’re glad we did. The problem was that it told us nothing about what to do when we got there.

Nothing.

Literally.

So 5 hours before the wedding ceremony 2 friends took me out for a drink. They could not believe that at 23 I was still a virgin. I said to them, “Yes I am… barely.”

They pushed hard because they thought I was trying to impress them. These guys were not born-again-Spirit-filled-never-sin-Christians like myself, so they thought I was putting up a holy act so I wouldn’t ruin my testimony.

Kind of true. I was putting up an act most of the time. But at that moment I was more concerned with the fact that my genitals were about to enter unknown territory and I had no clue what to do or what to expect.

After noticing the fear on my face, they gave me the best advice out there, “Be gentle!” They said in unison as if they had rehearsed it. And after 2 margaritas, and a couple of horror stories, we drove back with just enough time to get dressed for my epic and awesome wedding day (and wedding night).

Thankfully, the first time went smoothly. Mostly quick, but also smooth. Without getting into raunchy details let me say, we are all alive because someone had sex (except Jesus Christ himself).

So why are we so against talking about it, when we are so vocal about talking against it?

I want to make an invitation to us, the church, to join the conversation (as oppose to shy away from it again). The truth is that sex is found everywhere in Scripture. It was designed by God. Perfected by Puerto Ricans. And we Christians need to speak up about it, in a non-judgemental, non-religious, relevant way.

We could do a better job and have a sex-talk that is more than the usual “have-no-sex” talk. We are sending our young people into the marriage bed as virgins (good) but also as morons (bad). And the amount of conversations I have had with young couples who have properly struggled with their sex life is staggering.

If we preach all the verses against lust and seduction and sexual sin (which is the right thing to do) then we also need to teach all the verse on beauty and creativity and romance and awesome sex (which is the best thing to do).

So for all those who are waiting, here’s The Ultimate Guide For First Time Christian Sex: 

1. Set Realistic Expectations:

On day 5 of our 3-month-honeymoon, Catherine and I had an honest conversation. We were enjoying each other. Stumbling through our first few times, but with more good than bad. The problem was that there was an expectation created by our other virgin (barely) friends. It sounded something like this, “Oh you guys won’t see the light of day!” and “You will be in the hotel room all day long.”

So we tried.

But we failed.

After the most glorious 13 minutes of the morning (the national average) we were ready to go out, explore the land and just walk around holding hands and chatting about what to do in life.

But we felt stuck to the room. Like somehow we had to do it again. For all our waiting brothers and sisters who were back home desperate to have sex but stuck in their small groups talking about not having sex, for them, we should do it again.

Yet, after that one time, once a day, we were done. It was good, it was awesome, we felt connected, but we were done. And it was then when we discovered that sex is absolutely amazing… but it is also gloriously overrated.

And that truth, set us free to have a phenomenal sex life for the next 10 years.

We stripped the act away from every other expectation that was not, “Fun. Us. Together. Now.” And in that context, we serve each other and love each other and have made 2 glorious boys who are the ultimate fruit of our labor.

2. Forget Hollywood:

Some people believe that sex in real life is like sex in the movies. Everyone always gets an orgasm (at the same time) and there is no need to run to the bathroom to wash yourself.

#Lies

Our world system has created such an idea of what sex is that it has corrupted the truth. And so people get lost in pornography because they are trying to recreate this fantasy that was created by another fantasy and only in a fantasy can it become “real.”

#BeenThereDoneThat

3. Have Fun:

Truth is, sex is work. A labor of love and joy, yes, but still a labor.

Sometimes it takes time for both parties to really get into it. Play and patience are required for optimum performance. But remember this, the whole point is to enjoy each other. Actually, the best sex for me happens when I focus on making it the best sex for her.

Works (almost) every time. So work hard at having fun. Don’t take yourselves too seriously. Be creative, figure out what is best for you both and go to town.

4. Keep Learning:

About each other. And decide what works for you two. Everyone has their own rules and boundaries and everyone has a Bible verse to justify this, that or the other. But whatever works for you two, in a place of honor to God and each others, works to honor God and each other.

If you get stuck along the way, then ask questions. Don’t keep your issues behind closed doors. Yes, it’s your sex life, your privacy, your intimate space, but there are others out there who have been together for a long time and have a learned a few things along the way.

“The peril is that in reaction to abuses and distortions of an idea, we’ll reject it entirely. And in the journey miss out on the greatness of it, the worth of it, the truth of it.”

Sex gets better. Especially if you have been doing it with the same person for 10 years. That’s why I am all about waiting till the wedding day. I agree with God fully.

But God also gave us the Songs of Solomon. A kind of ancient Jewish Kama Sutra that would allow poetry and open conversation when it came to intercourse and romance (and apparently small breasts).

My encouragement is simple. Have an actual sex-talk. Not one about what’s bad about it, but one about what is good and holy and fun about it. Have an “update” talk with your spouse about where your expectations are. Have the uncomfortable conversation with your pastor, leader or mentor about your upcoming wedding night.

You are obviously not an expert.

Neither am I.

So let’s talk.

Peace.



Carlos is a pastor, a provocative preacher and the author of "Designed for Inheritance". He also serves as director of Catch the Fire Latin America and Chief Editor at HappySonship.com. Together with his wife Catherine, they have two gorgeous boys and are awaiting a baby girl through adoption.

27 Comments

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  1. I’ve been saying this for years and it’s nice to finally see another Chriatian who agrees, lol. Too bad most “Christians” are so afraid of sex, intimacy, sensuality, and passion that it probably won’t happen much.

    • I’m a reborn again virgin. I know it’s stupid but honestly I am so afraid of sex. I just don’t feel normal anymore. I used to just not care but God changed me. I can joke about sex but if a guy talks about it and says things like, “It’s okay, you should just have sex” or says anything sexual I usually lash out at him or will keep my distance from him and he will do the same. I guess people think that I’m fine with living the worlds way but I’m not. It’s just weird that now I’m afraid of sex.

  2. Thanks for this Carlos. As always, getting the tough (but simple!) concepts and convos out on the table. So many Christians seem to struggle in the dark with secrets, expectations and complexities, and without conversation, trip over themselves. Love this. Keep sharing, keep chatting.

  3. You’re the first person whose work I’ve read to ever speak the truth about sex: It IS overrated in our modern culture. I waited until my wedding night to make love and I was nearly 30! It didn’t live up to my expectations, because no one shared what to expect! I trust that as we follow Christ and love one another, we will grow more deeply in our passion. At least, that’s my hope.

    • Hey Ross. Thanks for writing! Yes, expectation need to be set properly. And after that, it’s time for learning and growing and more conversations. Good sex is like good wine. Keep loving your wife above yourself and time will only make it get better and better.

    • Wow. Congrats to you for waiting…you saved yourself a lot of heartache. I’m 31 and I did not wait but God changed my heart and for that I am super grateful. I’m still trying to figure out what he’s doing in my life.

  4. Excellent article and yes yes yes……..it does get better with marriage. I did not wait as a child of the sixties rebellion.

    God saved me after the birth of my first child and I have been married for 34 years. It is work…..and more work at our age……but holy cow can the stars light up. So keep having fun and enjoying each other.

    Even if all you do is “Hey honey, I heard from this sinful ole lady that we can really make things happen. Shall we try something a little different that you like?(and I’m not talking kinkie)

    What do you mean perfected by Puerto Ricans? I say perfected by Englishmen.

  5. This was a fine read tonight! This is how sex ought to be discussed especially starting at an appropriate age range and on into adulthood, then we would have many healthy marriages built on a truth foundation and no more fallacies and false expectations !

  6. Sexual fulfillment is definitely different for different marriages. For some it is overrated, for some it is very important. God gets the glory for creating sex. It’s a holy metaphor for the kind of intimate relationship he wants with us. Christians do need to get more real and more forthright when talking about a gift God designed. Thanks for an entertaining and real post!

  7. Thanks so much for this article! As a Christian, a future groom and a “barely-virgin,” I found this article very helpful and encouraging. It’s still a few months away, but the thought of my wedding night is (obviously) super exciting, but also terrifying. Thanks again!

  8. Ha ha! Perfected by Puerto Ricans! BORICUA!!!! Seriously though, in Christian circles, when you are single, sex is SO much of a focus that I can see it being kind of a let down on ones wedding night. I think good conversation is needed in churches (small groups especially) so expectations are not through the roof, which often leads to disappointment.

  9. A Christian virgin drinking margaritas before his wedding night. How amusing. What’s wrong with that, you say? What’s wrong with not being a virgin? That’s what I say. ☺

    P.S. I was a virgin when I got married. It didn’t make my life any better. My marriage is just as average as everyone else’s. And the Christian sex, with it’s “correct” positions, so called “purity” etc is about as much fun as restricting your diet to only broccoli and carrots.

    P.P.S. There are good reasons why one should not engage in premarital sex. One is SSDs, another one is a potential for getting pregnant. Those, if they happen, will set your life on a wrong, miserable course. Has nothing to do with holiness, pleasing God etc. It’s just a smart thing to think about. But if you think you can control and prevent things like that from happening, there is nothing wrong with love being expressed sexually. Not that you need anyone’s permission. People will always do what their hormones demand and no amount of religion can stop it☺.

  10. I laughed out loud! Thank you so much for this article. Not recently written, but on point. I am getting married next year and it is nice to read as much about intercourse and everything that come with it from experienced people. Real and straight to the point 🙂

  11. Very interesting and just what I was looking for. I’am planning to marry my girlfriend in the next year or so and we are both Christians and virgins, this article helped me clear some doubts, thank you very much.

  12. powerful stuff, truly the church must speak out on these issues coz the world will teach our childrem the wrong things if we are silent. thank u, want more resources on marriage n sex for couples.

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